Cheeseburger in Hell

Cheeseburger in Paradise: View from the upper floor tables.

So, on our last day in Maui, we decided to share a burger at Cheeseburger in Paradise. Apparently, they are not aware of the usual personal space people enjoy as a common courtesy. Anyway, here is a summary of what happened.

We strolled up the side-walk, and stopped at the hostess. “Table for two?” she eagerly stated. “Yes, how long is the wait for an upstairs table?” The restaurant had two open floors overlooking the ocean. We figured the best view would be on the upper level. “No wait at all!” she exclaimed. Then she continued “Just go upstairs and tell them you are sitting at table 7.” We dodged a few strollers, and made our way up to the second hostess. She greeted us. “Table seven please.” She gathered 2 menus and started leading us in the direction of the table. Here is where things got weird.

The tables along the banister we arranged for groups of four people, yet there was a strange 3 to 4 inch divider across the table. This crudely separated the table down the middle. This seemed odd at first, but then it slowly started making sense. She led us to a table, where an older couple was already sitting, menus in hand. They had taken the seats next to the banister, overlooking the sidewalk. The lady had set her bag one of the remaining chairs, making the assumption anyone who wasn’t insane would think: I’m not sharing a table with strangers! We stood there confused for a few seconds. The table directly next to the older couple was being cleared. I started to think maybe we were waiting for them to clear the next table. But then the hostess indicated we should sit at the same table as the older couple. The older couple shooting glances at us, bewildered. The lady covered her mouth and tried to say something to her husband, but I reluctantly reached for the chair before she could mouth it.

With reluctance to accept the reality of the situation, I reached for the chair that her bag was hanging on, and motioned as if I was going to pull out the chair. I hoped my body language would indicate I was fully intent on sitting there. It worked, she instinctively reached for her bag and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, here you go,” and removed her bag. I had hoped the hostess would stop me, indicating we should sit at the cleared table. She didn’t. We sat. A small 4 inch tall divider separating us from having to break bread with strangers. In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad, they seemed like a nice enough couple, and we really wanted a decent burger. Apparently, the older couple didn’t feel the same way. They nervously started attempts at communication… focusing on the menu. “A burger? yes! a burger, right?” The old man looked back. “Yeah, I want a burger.” The words saying one thing, but his body language obviously uncomfortable. Then he noticed some empty seats at the bar. “Hey, do you want to sit at the bar? Let’s sit at the bar instead!” His wife immediately agreed. They got up, didn’t bother to excuse themselves from our communal table, and left the restaurant. Note, they didn’t claim the seats at the bar. They must not have ever intended to make it to the bar – leaving their menus at the table.

Table Design

Well, we felt like we had just conquered a table. I felt bad. But I told myself it wasn’t our fault. We were forced to share the table. They didn’t have to leave. The waitress stopped at our table. Noting the menus on the table, she asked “Are you waiting for someone else to show up?” I immediately told her we weren’t. After, I thought we should have told her we were, just in case that whole seating thing wasn’t a mistake, so we could avoid anyone joining us at the table. We ordered a cheeseburger, and some onion rings. After realizing we would not get fries with our burger, we ordered some of them as well. A little while after, our food arrived. We began to happily eat. We even had a discussion about what had happened. We had started to believe maybe it was all just a mistake. Maybe the hostess thought we were meeting the older couple there. Anything to explain away the oddity of the situation. But then, it happened.

A couple was told to sit at the table next to ours. The next table over that is. They saw that our table had the two seats next to the banister open. They looked over at the hostess “Can we sit there in stead?”. “GO FOR IT!” the hostess screamed across the floor, as if trying to warn us incoming! Now, again, I don’t mind sitting next to someone, but they were acting as if we didn’t exist at all! They grabbed the chairs, sat down, shook the table – meanwhile here we are trying to eat our burger. At first glance, the basket of fries and onion rings must have seemed like a lot of food. They immediately began to comment on it.

“Wow! that’s a lot of onion rings! And fries to!” Again, they were not talking to us, but directly facing each other. The wife asked “Yeah, that’s a lot of food! I wonder if you can get a basket half fries and half onion rings?” Then she answered her own question “Nah, I bet they do that on purpose so people will order both and spend more money.” The husband wasn’t as talkative, maybe trying to respect out right to some privacy as we ate. Then she went on “Oooh! I’m going to get the chicken! It comes with […]” She went on and on, as if trying to convince everyone in the restaurant the chicken was the best thing on the menu. The onion rings and fries came up a few more times. I felt like throwing the onion rings at them saying “Just take them! we’re not planning on eating all of this food, damn it!”

Anyway, we ate what we could, then asked for the check. As we got up to leave, the couple sharing our table, but ignoring our very existence, got up and moved to another table. The new table obviously intended only for two people.

Certainly an interesting, yet odd experience. At least the food was good. 😀